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It’s back!  The beast of all television beasts, the gigantic FOX sea monster, the Seacrestian evil enterprise, has returned from its half-year hibernation to once again wreak havoc on TV ratings and the lives of the American people. American Idol premieres its eighth season tonight, with a standard two-hour audition episode. Do you feel warm and tingly inside, like a child about to fall asleep on Christmas Eve? American Idol will be omnipresent over the next five months, a cultural event, the likes of which does not exist outside of the American Idol bubble.

And so it begins…

We’re starting late for some reason. Perhaps Seacrest wasn’t happy with his edit and demanded some last minute changes.

The episode begins with a flashback to season 1, and Simon adressing the season 1 finalists. This is followed by a montage past season highlights set to Louis Armstrong’s, “What a Wonderful World.” The show Sanjaya and his mo-hawk, quickly followed by William Hung.

(Oscar dances to the American Idol theme song.)

Another flashback, this time to last season. HAHAHA. They show that YouTube video of the little female David Archuleta fans freaking out in a basement. Silly Archuleta fans.

“American Idol is a great place for unknowns to become known.” - David Cook. Profound, Cooksie.

This is a well put together montage/opening/introduction. Dramatic music.

Seacrest stands on a mountain and proclaims to the heavens that AMERICAN IDOL – SEASON 8 WILL BEGIN IN ARIZONA…after a commercial break.

There was a commercial for “Encouragement.”

Seacrest! Get down from that canyon.

We’re kicking off the season with auditions from Phoenix, Arizona. It’s way over one hundred degrees, and there’s a crapload of people waiting to audition. Paula shows up, looking very relaxed. Very relaxed.

Also, it’s Kara Dioguardi’s first day! She’s the new judge. I’m sure you’ve heard of her by now. She sits between Randy and Paula.

First contestant. Tuan Nguyen. He’s half-white, half-Vietnamese! He also has a huge afro. He’s going to add a tap-dancing/marching twist to his audition. He looks like a robot Michael Jackson. He’s a weird kid. He’s a bad singer, but not awful. He does stupid MJ moves. He also adds a nice “ooh” at the end. Pretty non-descript first audition.

Emily Wynne-Hughes. We meet Emily. She says she was bad at pretty much everything growing except for singing and performing. She has a ton of tattoos and really weird hair. She’s a singer in an all girl rock and roll band. She sings “Barracuda” by Heart. It’s a hard song to sing, but she sings it really well. She gets a pass to Hollywood. But, if she goes to Hollywood, it means her band won’t get to go on a European tour. She’s going to do it anyway.

Randy is a dude with a guitar. He’s not in a band, though he looks like he should be. He’s a dork. And, he’s also really sensitive. “I just want someone to tell me that I’m great,” he tells the camera as he starts crying. He sings “Livin’ on a Prayer.” He’s OK. Simon calls it wimpy. He tries again, Simon calls it cliche. He starts crying in front of the judges. Paula is mad at Simon, because he took a dig at “Straight Up.” It’s a no. He tries to give Simon a lecture.

J.B. Ahfua has a weird, high-pitched voice, but it’s good. He starts out slow but finds his groove. They all agree that he has a good voice, and he’s through. That was quick. His dad is outside to give him a big ol’ bear hug. They both cry.

Michael Gurr is really nervous. He is scared of the judges. He’s sweating. He’s going to be sick. This is really weird. It’s like he’s possessed by a toad. Simon is brutal. Now he sings a song by Kara DioGuardi. It’s equally as painful.

Will Kunick sings “Mad World” by Tears for Fears and sounds like a mouse or something.

D.J. Bradley (from Seattle) sings some Celine Dion in a horrible manner. We’re seeing a lot of terrible auditions.

Aundre Caraway (aka X-Ray) is certifiably insane. He brings in his guitar to sing his own song. It’s called “Cactus Baby.” He’s not good, but it is certainly entertaining, especially with his dancing. Aundre is surprised to hear the nos. He is baffled. Poor X-Ray.

Next, a 16-year-old girl. Arrianna Asfar. She founded an organization where teens go and sing for seniors. Her mom looks like a mole person. She sings “Put Your Records On,” by Corinne Bailey Rae. She’s good. Not spectacular, but enough to go to Hollywood. That’s the end of day one.

Day 2 gets underway. Nine people got through on Day 1.

Dude with a preposterously low voice is going first. Like, really, really low. Elijah Scarlett is his name. He sings “My First, My Last, My Everything.” It’s terrible. Simon calls it like something out of a horror movie. Even Paula gets mean.

Leah Marie, a sixteen year old crazy person. She has a screw loose. She wears an all pink outfit. She calls herself a cross between Hillary Duff and Madonna. That sounds like a headliner at the Copa Cabana in hell. She’s also a huge Kara DioGuardi fan and has written over 100 songs in her life. She is a big bowl of madness. She enters the room and shows Kara her songwriting book. She’s not that bad, just very nasally. She sings in tune, at least. She’s very annoying, though. The judges go off on her a little. It’s a no.

Stevie Wright, who got her name from Stevie Nicks. Her gameplan is to be “really bubbly.” Not sure if that’s the best way to go. She sings “At Last” by Etta James. She’s got a nice, smoky low voice. She’s really good. She’s through with a bullet.

Jeremy Sarver is next. He’s a roughneck on the oil rig and, as he makes sure we know, that is the fifth most dangerous job in the country. This guy’s no pansy. He’s away from his family for seven days at a time. Simon calls him the complete opposite of Ryan Seacrest. He’s got a cool little soul voice, he’s singing some Boyz II Men. The judges are impressed. He’s goin’ Hollywood.

Another montage of awful singers, including the guy from the picture above.

IT’S TIME FOR BIKINI GIRL!!! She’s not even that cute. Very good body, though. Simon and Randy are loving it. Katrina Darrell is her name. Herein lies the issue - she’s a pretty good singer. Like, actually good. Maybe a little thin, lacking power, but good. Kara gets up on her high horse, and decides to not like her. The claws come out. Kara tells her she doesn’t have the chops to sing the song. Kara sings some of it for her. And Katrina tells Kara she sucks, pretty much. She gets the ticket through, however.

Eric Thomas is up next. However, he prefers to go by “Sexual Chocolate.” Weird, that’s my nickname too. Paula is wearing big, silly glasses. He’s going to sing some Stevie Wonder. He’s not very good. He gets a little better as the song goes on, but not good enough. He gets a car if he doesn’t make it from his mom. He’ll be getting a car.

Brianna Quijada is next. She’s very peppy. Too much energy. Annoying. She’s sings “Let’s Hear it for the Boy.” She’s pretty mediocre. They give her a second chance, but she has a few false starts. She gets nos from Randy and Simon, but yesses from Paula and Simon, so she’s through.

Deanna Brown came to audition on her own. She’s a cute little Southern girl. She sings “Sittin’ on the Dock of the Bay” by Otis Redding. She’s good, cool Southern drawl. She’s through to Hollywood. She calls her mom on the phone, who starts screaming like a banshee.

Cody Shell, an emo kid form Detroit is next. He’s a little bit of a geel, it seems. Cody has a dark side - he likes to make horror films. Weirdo. He’s singing “Wonderful World” by James Morrison. He’s actually quite good, and he sells it. He’s through to Hollywood.

Next up is kind of a nerdy guy. Nervous guy. 19-year-old. Alex Wenger-Troutman. He makes bad jokes. But, he’s likable. He will sing “Baby Come to Me,” by James Ingraham. He’s got kind of a weird, Aaron Neville-y type voice. Randy liked it. Simon doesn’t. One yes, one no. Kara and Paula say yes too. He’s through. Sweet.

Next – a montage of more bad singers. This time it’s all the bad singers singing Bon Jovi.

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